Are you keeping up? Are you talking with your mentor? There are few things more important than your own personal development, and you are right on track! Let’s keep going.
Here is your homework: completing Stage Three…
- Connect to your sexuality in a healthy way
- Connect to the humanity of others, through their needs
- Connect with yourself beyond your needs
- Connect with your internal energy and feelings – be able to recognize and name what you are feeling and explore that
- Connect with your money – get out of debt
And here are the details on exactly how to do all of that…
Connecting To Your Sexuality – Mind, Body And Energy
Connecting to your sexuality is about body and mind and energy all at the same time. Because it is not just about your body, let’s start with the mind.
What are your current beliefs about your sexuality and sexuality in general?
What societal beliefs did you grow up with?
Do you agree with those?
What past experiences have you had?
What did they teach you?
Do you think those lessons are true?
Lastly, what are your current needs in this area?
Your sexual needs might include things like safety, trust, a healthy regular partner, more frequency, less frequency or specific types of exploration. You may have past trauma that you need to let go of. Or you might need to take a break from sexuality for a while. That is OK too. As always, be honest with yourself.
Few subjects can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, unworthiness and inadequacy like sexuality. It is rare to get to adulthood and NOT have some feelings or issues to work out in this area. Look to not just your experiences but even your childhood for clues as to why you feel that way.
How were you raised?
What lessons did your parents inadvertently teach you just by the way they treated each other?
Understand WHY you feel the way you do and have compassion for yourself as human.
Sexuality can be a powerful catalyst for connecting to the energy in your body. Many people will say that they cannot feel energy in their body. However, sexual energy is energy too. The next time you are enjoying your sexuality, alone or with another, place your attention on the feelings in your body. Feel the energy rise and move up from your root chakra. Breathe deeply and slowly and imagine the energy flowing down and out when you exhale and up and higher when you inhale. Take a pause at the top and bottom of each breath and see what happens then.
Sexuality, in its most positive forms, is about a merging of body, mind and energy in a way that can connect us more deeply to ourselves and our partner. In this way, sexuality can also help you connect to others, to see their humanity and their needs.
Encourage your partner to explore their own sexuality in this way. If you can provide a safe and trusted place where you can both be open and honest, you will be amazed at the result. Connections will deepen and your reward will be more exciting and fulfilling experiences both in and out of the bedroom.
Connecting To Yourself – You Are More Than Your Needs And Wants
In the last stage (Stage Two), you focused on listing your needs and making sure they are met. The importance of meeting your needs has not changed just because you have evolved. However, it is time to understand your connection to those needs in more detail. Some things are true needs: food, clothing, shelter, safety, sleep, and the categories that you worked with in Stage Two. Sometimes you may convince yourself that you need something else: a new gadget, car, job, partner, etc.
When you feel that you NEED something, ask yourself why. Keep asking why until you get to the truth (usually at least five times). The truth is that you think you need it because it will make you FEEL a certain way.
For example, maybe you think you need a new car. Why? Is your old one broken down and cannot be fixed for what it is worth? You are worried about getting to work. A new car would make you feel safe. Or is your current car just fine but this new car will make you feel successful? Will it help you forget about your debt? Because you think maybe then you will finally have the attention of the women or men you desire? Because you ultimately feel unworthy and incomplete? Are you expecting this car to make you whole? Are you expecting it to make you feel worthy of the love and respect that you withhold from yourself? Is this car part of a persona you are trying to project? Be brutally honest with yourself.
Once you know the truth of why you think you need something, it is easy to be honest with yourself that you simply want it and to understand why.
Consider the idea that you HAVE needs and wants, but they are not you. You need sleep, but you are more than your need for sleep. You need food, sex, human connection, income, and many other things. But you are more than your need for food. You are more than your need for human connection. What do you have to offer this world? Beyond your needs; beyond your wants?
As you realize that you are not your needs, but you HAVE needs, don’t forget that you still need to attend to your needs. Although they are not you, if you do not attend to them, you can easily fall into spending extra time in this stage.
Connecting To Others – Seeing Their Humanity Through Their Needs
When in stage three (I am my needs), the best way to move out of this stage and into Stage Four is to learn to see the humanity of others, through their needs. Try this exercise:
Choose someone you care about and a situation they are dealing with right now …
- How would YOU feel in that situation?
- What would you need?
- Can you provide that for them even just a little?
- Do it!
- Then note how you feel.
You will find that it does not take much to make a big impact. If someone is down, they might need a friend. Even a phone call may do. If someone is sick, you could bring them some food or help clean up the house or just sit with them for a bit.
The point is to get outside of your head and beyond your needs and explore the needs of others. When you put yourself in their situation and feel what it must be like to be them, it becomes easier to see their humanity. It becomes easier to see how they are not so different from you, and you can help. Once you help a little, you are likely to help more. The point is to get started with those you hold most dear. When you are ready, try the same exercise with people you do not know, but have heard about. Work your way out to asking these questions about people you do not like at all. You might not go so far as to help, but just putting yourself in their shoes will help you see their humanity and that will make all the difference.
Connecting To Your Internal Energy And Feelings
Everyone has feelings. Sometimes you feel sad, or happy, or stressed, or overwhelmed. Feelings are how your body, mind and intuition guide you to make better choices. Connecting to your feelings means stopping to recognize them and explore what is causing them. It does not mean that you need to express every feeling you have out loud. You can keep your feelings to yourself if you want to, or share them, if appropriate. The important thing is to step back from your emotions, name them, and dig deeper to find the real cause.
For example, suppose you find yourself angry at your spouse. It is a good idea to take a moment. Stop. Breathe. Ask yourself why you are angry. You will likely tell yourself a story about what they did that made you angry.
Next, ask yourself what you are afraid of. All anger is rooted in fear. What are you afraid of? You might be afraid that you are not important. You might be afraid that you are not useful or needed.
Be brutally honest with yourself. When you can, you might express to your spouse that, “when you do X, I fear that I am not important to you.” (fill in the right actions and fears). Being honest about what you feel, and more importantly why you feel it, is critical to a connected relationship.
When you are disconnected from your feelings, your feelings will control you. If you would rather be in control of your feelings, you will need to connect with them, not ignore them. you will need to sit down with your emotions and really understand them. This becomes faster with practice.
Many emotions are rooted in validating our current definition of self. We want to define ourselves as important and we fear that we are wrong. Fear, in particular, is often associated with something counter to our definition of self. We fear, at the root of it all, that our definition of self is wrong; that who we think we are, is not true. This fear of being wrong about ourselves leads to a defensive anger. Can you see how there are layers to your emotions? Digging deeper reveals the truth.
Shining a light on the truth helps you release it. Shining a light on negative emotions makes them dissolve away. Shining a light on positive emotions makes them grow.
These feelings are trying to tell you something. Just like your gut instinct or intuition is often trying to tell you something you need to know. Similarly, your energy is trying to tell you something. Some people find connecting to their energy hard to do. Initially, you may not feel energy in your body. That is OK.
Everything in the universe is made of matter and energy. Think about your phone or computer. It has a screen but it also has electrical energy running through it that makes it work. Without the electricity, it would be lifeless. So would you. You have energy running through you too. Without it, you would be lifeless too. Connecting to your energy is the first step in recognizing a vast amount of information available to you about your body, your life and many other things. Connecting to your energy at this stage means learning to recognize it and be aware of how it changes.
Emotions move your energy. Think about when you feel really happy. There is a feeling in your chest like your heart is full. That is, your heart is full of energy! Think about when you feel nervous or fearful. There is a feeling in your stomach. Your emotions are moving the energies in your gut to get your attention.
On a sexual note, think about the feeling of an orgasm (solo or with someone else). You might feel a burst of energy that moves up and through you. Either way, it feels like release. It is a release of energy.
So you can see that you have been feeling your energies all along. To connect to them with more awareness, try the following…
Body Scanning – sit, quiet your mind, and scan your body from the top down, or from the bottom up. Just think about each part of your body and how your body feels. Do you have some tension in the muscles, or maybe some pain from an injury? Notice that when you put your awareness on a tense muscle, it tends to relax. As with all things in this life, shining a spotlight on the problem makes it dissolve away, or makes a solution apparent. For areas of your body that are not tense or in pain, ask yourself what they feel like. You may notice small sensations that grow as you focus on them. This is your energy. You may feel it more in one area than another. That is OK. You may notice that you feel it more in specific locations up the front of your body. These are your chakras. For now, just explore and sit for a minute with what you find.
Reiki / Energy Work – When body scanning is not enough, or you just want to try something new, you might accelerate your connection to your energy by enjoying a session of Reiki or other energy work. It is important that your first experience be hands-on. Some energy practitioners are adept at sending energy from a distance but you may not feel it if you are not yet connected to your energy. Hands-on techniques are much more effective for sparking your awareness of your energy. This might look like a massage session that includes energy work, or a session that focuses on energy work, such as Reiki. Be open to the experience and let it show you that there is so much more out there to explore and understand about yourself and this existence.
Once you connect to your energy, you might forget about your feelings. Try to remain aware of both. For a while, include body scanning in your meditation/prayer practice to improve your connection to both your feelings and your energy. See where it takes you.
Connecting To Your Money – Getting Out Of Debt
Connecting to your money means keeping careful watch on what is coming in and what is going out. It means consciously directing your money to act in your best interests. Consider your beliefs about money that may need to be updated. Are they serving you? What new beliefs do you need to put in place? You have a relationship with money whether you want one or not. Make friends with your money, do the right things with your money, and more money will come to you in ways you may not currently imagine.
Credit card debt, student loans, car loans, personal loans and the like are all forms of servitude. You are a slave, working for the bank or family member that lent you the money. Your time and effort belong to them, not you. This should be terrifying. In many cultures around the world, debt is considered normal. We are taught that debt is a tool for building assets and wealth. Debt is a tool in one way. It is a tool for banks and others to keep you under control and to keep your hard earned money coming to them instead of you. If you are not currently in debt, that is great! Stay that way.
If you are currently in debt, through student loans, car loans, credit cards, personal loans, payment plans for things you bought, or anything else, getting out of debt needs to be a major priority. Being debt-free will be the foundation of creating an amazing stress-free life. Imagine what you could do if you did not have debt payments? What could you do with that money instead?
You could save for your dreams and make them happen. You could take that class, or write that book or live that lifestyle that you have been dreaming of. You could save up to be financially independent – that is, you could save and invest to the point that you did not need to work at all. Your dreams and purpose and joy could be your work.
Dave Ramsey’s baby steps and debt snowball are a tried and true method for this…
First, make a list of every debt you have. Include everything: credit cards, car loans, student loans, money you owe friends and family and other individuals, payment plans you have on things you bought, your home mortgage, etc. It may seem overwhelming. That is OK. Let the weight of your reality settle on you. Acknowledge the fear and the overwhelm. This too is being human. Then say… OK. THIS has got to go. Set your determination and make it solid. This ends today. No more new debt, EVER.
Order your debts from smallest to largest. This is the order you will use to pay them off. Why? Because it builds momentum, physiological advantage and continually adds more money to your efforts over time.
Next, make a list of all the money you have in any account (savings, checking, investments, etc). What do you have that you can put towards paying off this debt? Do it today. It will be painful at first to see your savings go towards this debt but this is an important first step.
Keep for yourself, or save up, a small emergency fund that is large enough to cover a major car repair or home repair. This will prevent emergencies from taking you off track.
Then, make a budget. Call it a spend plan if that feels better. But list out your expenses and your income. Cut your expenses to the core. There are likely many things you can do without, just for a while, as you pay off your debts. Get creative. The key is sticking to your spend plan ruthlessly and paying off your debts one by one. You will be amazed at the momentum and positive energy you will feel as you carry this out. As each debt is paid off, and you no longer have that payment to make each month, there is more money you can put on the next debt. Read about the baby steps on Dave Ramsey’s website. Listen to his shows and podcasts for inspiration and to help keep you on track.